I was at a standstill, unable to differentiate my happiness between dread and my feelings of euphoria for melancholy. My sense of stability had been compromised and the underlying fabric of my reality began to expose years of pulls and tears.
The Judas kiss – The touch of betrayal, the caress of a liar.
I would hear his name resonate through my mind. Bouncing off every muscle, digging itself into each cerebral space.
As we move through the tumultuous motions of obscurity, we brace for impact as we feel the lurch of time overpower our very will. Through careful thought and waiting, one cannot lose.
The proverbial bridge had burned, but one question remained: Could we be salvaged? The charred ash of fundamental stability was holding onto the remaining beams that kept us together.
I wondered why we could not separate, and I wondered why we could not break apart. It could be our disposition, or it could be our inability to purge one another, but It was as if we had dug our own graves yet we were too afraid to be buried alone.
What would happen If I let the wind guide me and I fell deep into the waters? An elderly man was walking along the pier, gazing out into the water. Surely he would save me. I pictured the water piercing my skin, the ice cold current digging thousands of tiny blades in my body.
The fact was this: people don’t change, they become stealthier at hiding their true selves. A cloak of decadent and distracting colors if you will.
I woke to the sound of mechanical beeping. Lights flashed around me as I opened my eyes. Slowly coming into focus, I noted the beige wall and glanced upwards toward the ceiling. I was laying in a hospital bed.
He had me, he had me hook line and sinker.
My mind races through old photographs, desolate sunsets, Asia to Amsterdam, and bodies shaking with every touch, and kiss, a new jolt to life brought forward by a mind-altering epiphany.
Whether protecting him or protecting myself, I dilute the white lies in white wine and carry on with our dinner.