Judas.

The Judas kiss – The touch of betrayal, the caress of a liar.

I felt the nails on my skin, the force of previous failures guiding the way. Positioned on my back I lay with outstretched arms and a bare torso. I lift my head and stare blankly above. The claustrophobia sinks in; hands along throat, screams and exasperated breath. They were hungry with frustration, manipulated minds and deprived bodies. With one last impulse, the final deadly sin had been committed.

I’ll never know, I’ll never know.

The city was clouded by fog. Enough to block your vision and force you to watch each step. We parted at the corner of bay and queen. I already had known of his lost footing and the discrepancies. With a neutral face and calm demure, I handled him with care. He would not expect a thing. What was the expression? Deny me once? I watched his back as he walked away.  Warm breath was visible in the winter air.

Did I know him anymore, or was I in bed with Judas? I watched him flinch at every phone chime, and shudder when his screen illuminated the dark. He had covered my eyes and dismantled my trust.

If only he knew, if only he knew.

I had craved his body on mine. The combative touch when I felt his hand along my neck. The wet thrust of his tongue as he glided along my cheek. This was the moment, and I was ready.

It was the allure of a sinner – a victim chastised for error, but prepared and ready to give. I felt the lies dance in my mouth and guide my faults and decree. I felt the bile well in my stomach. I could not maintain composure any longer, for it must be over soon.

He’ll never know, he’ll never know.

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