Out.

Christmas Eve. One bottle of wine, and four episodes of Sex and the City, my mother and I lay on the couch until the wee hours of the morning. I have never been fond of Christmas. With the corporate consumerism and the ridiculous amounts of money spent on gifts, the whole thing seems utterly preposterous. Seriously, with every year I begin to feel sympathy with, and more related to The Grinch. As a whole, this week has been highly eventful. Not only did my subscriber count reach exciting heights, I also made a huge life decision… I came out to my mother.

I think this is where we discuss how it happened. My story is unlike every other…it did not have much of an emotional backbone or a strong stream of tears, it went quite differently in fact. Spending the evening at the Toronto “Chill” ice bar, I attend a new clothing line launch party with Nat and Americano at my side. I did what is usually done at these events, pose with the clothing, mingle and excessively drink. Five gin and tonics later, I stumble over to Nat and Americano who are in the midst of a conversation with Poet, an outspoken and artistic soul with a kind heart. As the conversation continues, she tells us about her girlfriend and her journey of coming out. After being chastised from her family, she learned that she no longer should house ignorance inside her heart. Ignorance is poison for it affects our mind and governs our lives in new ways. After some life advice and kind words, I decided to do it. Fueled with gin and liquid courage, I called my mother and told her of Americano and my life choices.

To sum it up, I got drunk was given some advice from a lesbian and then came out to my mother.

Riding home, I sit in silence unknowing of what to think of my current decision. The streetcar continues blaring the horn as a homeless man attempts to get on the streetcar, breaking my concentration. Always super fun.

Sitting on the streetcar I felt trapped. I wanted to escape. The words trapped in my mouth, and my chest heavy. The chime of the stop request sign clicked, and with Nat on her phone and Americano looking ahead I slipped off the streetcar.

Quickly and nimbly, I stepped off and headed off into the cold city air. Feeling the weight of my current situation on my shoulders, I began to run. I ran as fast as I could. I was shivering from the cold, yet I still continued to run. I did not want to be found, for I wanted nothing more than to hide. Stopping dead in my tracks and hunching over to catch my breath, I walk over to a series of steps nestled behind a Christmas tree. Cute, I thought as I wallowed in self-pity behind a glowing Christmas tree. With the sounds of Christmas carolers in the background, I sat down and thought over my current situation.

Ironic enough, Witt came out to her parents the same weekend. Our situations were much different….Witt planned out her presentation by creating a Powerpoint. I planned my presentation by getting drunk off gin. It is clear that each of our coming out stories directly correlate with our personalities.

The secret was finally said. It was known not only to the world, but to the one whom I care about the most. It was like Pandora’s box was opened, and all I had to do was wait for what was to come next. Frightened for the coming hours, I began to walk back home.

We are all so scared to fully show ourselves that we begin to display only fragments of ourselves. These fragments hide who we really are, for we are terrified of what others will think when we begin to show our true forms. Ignorant and blind to our personal happiness’, we are watched by others who attempt to govern our lives and to sculpt our psyche into their own creation. Is this right? No. We are human, we are living and breathing creatures capable of making our own life choices. We do not need to house the ignorance of others, and to hold on to their own personal hatreds. When the timing is correct, you will find the time to break free from their constraints and to show the world what you have been hiding. Secrets can only go so far, sometimes you need to let personal happiness win.
And nat? Still single, but with a new tattoo.

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