Walking up lower church, I push my glasses higher on my nose and clutch my coffee. After a long day of work, there is nothing I would rather do more than climb into bed and sleep. One can only take so much condescending attitudes in one day. Mind numb and void of responsibility, I let it run wild.
Naivete, (also naivety) — Lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment.
I have been recently thinking about past situations and the lasting effects that they have on the mind. In life, we may experience a sense of deja-vu or the reoccurrence of familiar events. These events, while good or bad, remind us of the lessons we were supposed to learn and act as a scratch on the vinyl of life. Through each interaction with others we are supposed to learn from mistakes and failures, but is this the same objective at the end of a relationship? As we navigate through relationships, does a similar interaction or denouement show our innate naivety or are we just plain stupid?
To further analyze this question, we must understand the concept of naivety and focus on past mistakes. As humans, we respond to the familiar. Attracted to the comfort of past situations, we draw in experiences that mirror previous encounters.
As the question racks my brain, the words reflect off of my skull and fill the black void that is the empty mind.
The questions repeat as an echo: “Am I naive, or am I just stupid?” “Am I naive, or am I just stupid?” “Am I naive, or am I just stupid?”“Am I naive, or am I just stupid?”“Am I naive, or am I just stupid?” The voice intensifies and racks my brain resulting in an untimely headache. Staring up at my ceiling, I wait for the silence.
As I weave through relationships and build structures not meant to be finished, I continue to make the same mistakes as I scour the city for something different. In every encounter I have made, I piece together the very fragments that make up what I had escaped from. I don’t see this concept as naivety, for this circumstance can coincide with vulnerability. To be in love with a delicate pain, and to give yourself to the first boy who calls you beautiful — The mental redemption frees our soul from absolution sacrificing what is left of our individuality.
Hair slicked back into a tight knot, I am seated on my bed staring out the window. Twisting the long necklace hanging from my neck, I pull my flannel closer to my body. I have an imagination that builds these elegant scenarios, walking on the beach, taking a stroll through the woods, and staying up late talking till the sun rises. Are these just figments of my imagination? the mind running wild feeding my fascination with the romanticized falsehoods that disguise themselves as truth.
When it comes to relationships, we are all students yet no one is hired to be our teacher. Every encounter requires a lesson to be learned and a deeper understanding to be made. In the school of romance we are not graded on emotionality nor are we graded on our abilities to satisfy our partner or lack thereof, we are graded on our ability to adapt. Like animals to the climate, we learn to adapt to our given surroundings, surrendering pre-disposed ideas and welcoming the possibility of change.
I find myself dreaming of Owen. I dream of scenarios which will soon become a reality. While I am fearful of the future and terrified of the potential of failure, I seem to push on. I close the door on the demons that I have been trying to hide, for I will not let the previous failures govern my perspective on the future. So affected by simplistic situations, I over analyze and build up scenarios to be much more than they are meant to be. Ridding myself of past questions and embracing recurring factors, I dismiss the idea of naivety. I am not naive, nor am I stupid. As humans we possess the ability to fail, let these failures act as your markers, your stepping stones that lead you forward to a place of success. Embrace the naivety and understand that you are more than the past that has been created.