Last night I had the sudden urge to head home. I made the walk to the city train station, purchased a ticket and hopped on board. This was my first time taking the train since moving to the city. As riding, I learned that I am absolutely thankful that I am no longer commuting.
Upon arriving at the station, I hopped into a waiting cab to take me home. With my head resting upon my hand, I begin to ponder the passing day. I spent the day nursing a well deserved hangover from the night prior as well as viewing homes with “him”.
He was moving into a new building, and this building so happens to be the one beside mine. As I looked up at the Toronto high rise, my excitement grew as I realized he would be moving right next to me. The suite in which we were looking at was rather beautiful, it was open concept, with a balcony providing a breathtaking view of the city. Looking out onto the city in front of me, I am left taken back by this view.
I do not know what it is about these beautiful moments, but they cause you to step back and take a look at your life. Within the past few days I learned that in order to overcome your anxieties, you MUST face them. Upon facing these insane anxieties I which I dreamt up, I realized that my fears were total bullshit. Being a high-strung freak, I have the tendency to over think everything and over examine instances in which have not yet happened. I always plan for the worst rather than living in the present, and this is probably the sole cause of my pain.
I do not know what it is about people, but they never fail to surprise you. When examining my current state with “him”, I found myself Gatsbying the whole situation. Every time I looked at “him” all I saw was this image of perfection, for I saw no insecurities and no faults. I was left feeling anxious and pained for not seeing the person underneath all of this, and it was in one moment of confrontation that I finally saw the true self of this individual. I saw someone who was perfectly…human, and not robotic. I think that when you are at the stage where you are beginning to see the true nitty gritty details of someone, it is when a bond begins to form. The person is no longer just an illusion, but is a human being.
As I sit on the couch with my cat, I sit with a heavy heart and an active mind and I begin to write. I am in a mind frame where I cannot gather my thoughts, for I seem to be in a constant flux of brain waves and messed up cells. Oddly enough, I am beginning to think I like this state of uncertainty. I now know I am not alone on this search of myself, I have “him” to help guide me, for we are both two lost souls in search of something.
Truthfully, there is no need to be perfect every second of the day. You are allowed to go mad, you are allowed to be uncertain, for you do not need a concrete lifestyle to be happy. Sometimes, the best things may come from moments of disorder…so just wait and behold, because sometimes shit happens.