Today I finally came to terms with the inevitable, I am depressed.With a rapidly beating heart and heavy lungs, I entered the doctors office shaken and scared. I should not be facing this insecurity around going to the doctors office, for my family doctor has been my doctor since I was born, she was the one who delivered me. Sitting in the waiting room, I was terrified of an answer I already knew. I am mildly depressed with rapidly growing anxiety.
Honestly I am not remotely surprised with this conclusion, for it was quite obvious. Within my mind, I am in a constant flux and flow of different ideas and visions that they slowly begin to consume my brain. Within my mind castle (as Sherlock calls it) I can be anywhere I want to be at anytime, for within my mind my senses take control.
When speaking to my doctor about my past, I was urged to find the source of all of my dilemmas. As emptying the file folders in my brain I searched for an answer…yet none could come to mind. I was terrified of coming forward with this realization of mental instability, that I never thought that getting help would be so easy. I think that the biggest misconception of mental illness is that we will be scrutinized for our instability. WIthin reality, resources are actually very easy to find and people are generally understanding. It is like we build up all these false scenarios that we begin to dwell on what we do not know. A large problem I face is how I place a large sense of hope onto others, yet when situations do not play up to my idyllic thoughts, I undergo a break down. The first step to getting help is within yourself. It was not until I hit rock bottom and almost made an irrational decision after “Him”, that I realized help was needed.
I think I was more scared of the inevitable than I was scared of the mental illness. I was terrified of what judgement would be passed if I came forward with it, or if I told anyone. I was silently attempting to face the battle myself. The one thing that you must remember is this: If you are ever scared, be scarier than the fear you face.
Through these sadnesses came such a large form of creativity that I was given the strength to narrate my thoughts and turn my life into a strange form of narrative. Finally for once in my life I can say that I am happy with getting help, for I am now able to relate this saying to my life: Stressed Depressed but still well dressed.