Seated within the University cafeteria I attempt to study for my midterm tomorrow. With my earbuds in and my textbook open, I attempt to centre my thoughts onto audio and video technical theory.
“A frame rate moves from 30 frames per second to 29.97 fps.
I have had a wonderful day, so why am I not happy?
A television channel needs to be 6 MHz wide.
I haven’t had my eyes checked since 2011, I need to get on that.
Y, R-Y, B-Y singals opeerate on two separate tracks.
Why am I so hung up on who liked a certain photo of theirs on instagram?”
Clearly my mind is not completely focused on the world of Digital and Analog video. It is as if my mind cannot help but navigate to other trains of thought.
I find that it is so difficult to study or pay attention to anything when I have so much happening within my mind. For the past couple of days I have been seeking a distraction, and this distraction came in the form of dating. The allure of meeting new people (as exciting as it may be) only lasts for a limited time. The one thing I cannot seem to wrap around my mind is how a distraction is only a semi-permanent action, the demons you hide will always come back.
Surrounded by hundreds of students studying for their mid terms, I cannot help but feel like a lost soul within such a crowded place. It is within times like this that I want nothing more than the ability to just disappear into black void I have created within my mind.
I have found myself attempting to take a brighter turn in my life by attempting to achieve happiness once more. In order to do this I have found myself mending some of the broken bridges I have created. The first step I took was the action of mending things with “N”, an ex of mine. During my relationship with “N” I was cheated on not once but twice. Of course when I look back at it now I see how dysfunctional that relationship was, but at the time I was in ecstasy. With the “N” situation, I had every right to be angered and mad but I had no right to be a dick. I made the first move in mending this broken relationship by striking up a conversation with the hope of creating a path of civility and friendship.
I do not think I can stress enough how life is forever changing. Life is in a continuous motion and we as passenger can not stop moving. When my heart was broken, I stopped living for myself and began to live off another person. Every breath I took, and every thought I concocted was all in the name of another individual. Clearly this is not an ideal way to live, for once you neglect to care for yourself problems begin to arise.
Living life is not about surviving, it is about keeping your body and soul together in a unified manner. It is not until you begin to live for yourself that you can mend what was once a purified and virtuous soul.