Phantom Limb & The Historic Buildings.

When I am sad or in a beat up mood, I always find myself in search of a good romantic comedy. I think it is the concept of focussing on someone else’s problems other than your own. As the sun is quickly replaced by storm clouds, the rain begins to fall down my bedroom window pane. Looking around my bedroom, I see tokens of the past that remind me of the memories we shared. IMG_2194

From my experience living in a historic area, there are many laws associated with the redesign of these protected landmarks. Certain measures had to be taken in order to preserve the natural and aged construction. While the building may look aged and outdated, the insides can look completely redesigned and modern.

I have been living as if I am facing phantom limb syndrome. For a period of time, Patients who recently lost limbs have been quoted to feel as if the part that they lost was still tangible and present. This metaphor is being used to describe how I currently feel. An open heart is vulnerable to attack. Ripped out of the cavity that housed this vital organ, and mutilated to a pulp. While the heart may be bent out of shape and dilapidated, it continues to beat. No matter how angry, pained, hurt, and manipulated I feel, my heart continues to beat.

I found myself expressionless yet sitting on the verge of tears. Engaged in actions that cause pain…gps enabled and communicative with those looking for something other than friendship. With each click, you fall deeper and deeper into the trap of this locally based application.

Everyone is capable of causing pain, but it is not until the truth is revealed that these harmful actions can actually constitute as hurting someone. After all, trust is so fragile and easily broken. While I have found myself to be too trusting, I realized that this can be both a blessing and a curse. Without trust, you will never be able to fall deeply and truly in love, but with trust you open your heart up to injury. I think that the main difficulty with all of this is the unknown. Dating? Sex? Someone else? These are the questions that might cross the mind.

While it may be unseen or unobserved just how actions affect others, I guess it does not really matter at all. When we are living for ourselves, why think about the emotions of others? Why care if the things we do harm someone else? Well, we care because we were not raised to be selfish assholes. To care for oneself is not an act of selfishness, it is quite the contrary. To care for oneself is simply an extension of love. The difference between caring for yourself and being selfish is seen when you begin to dismiss the feelings of others on the pursuit of your own temporary happiness. That is selfishness. To strike people down along your way and to drag someone along as if they were nothing more than sheep following the shepherd is selfish. Asserting strength and power over others does not showcase self-confidence, it shows the world just how little respect you have for not only others but for yourself.

Where I am going with all of this is simple: Do what you want, make your own decisions, and live the life you desire; but if your own pursuit of happiness harms, hurts, or emotionally targets the feelings of another person/thing, then you better re-evaluate what you are trying to achieve. For in a selfish search you will lose many things along the way, friends, loved ones, and the respect of those that have cared for you. Don’t be like this…live life to the best of your ability, but don’t shit on other simply because you are blinded by the allure.

Like a historic building, what has been made and established can never be torn down or forgotten. A fresh coat of paint and some new decor can be added but unless demolished, the foundation will always remain the same. We are all historic buildings. We can be broken down and redesigned, but we will always be built back up.

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