When it all comes down to my moments of loneliness and desperation, I realize that I have only a select amount of people I can talk to. Losing people is difficult, for it seems that I have lost the person in my life that I could tell everything to, In fact did tell everything too…and find it rather hard to continue on.
I honestly try so hard to actually feel better or to be happy, yet my efforts always seem to fall flat. What I loathe about depression is how your mood can change within a single second. You may feel fantastic and on top of the world at the beginning of the day, yet you may feel tired and saddened by the time you arrive home. It sucks to be in this constant state of change and the flux and flow of emotionality.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my grandfathers passing. He passed away two years ago right after my grandmother. He simply gave up. He stopped caring about his life, or his health and fell into a depression so deep, that not even alcohol could fix what he was feeling.
The love my grandparents felt for one another was unlike any I have seen before. They met young, and spent every waking hour together. My grandmother fell ill multiple times, but no matter the illness she faced, or how many times she went into a coma, she always woke up.
I guess my grandfather and the rest of my family were just so used to her recovering, that we were not expecting her to pass. I visited my grandmother almost every day when she was in the Hospital. She was a strong willed woman who never gave up fighting, and I am blessed that I was able to say a final goodbye. I visited her the night she passed away for I was with her until visiting hours closed for the night. Kissing her on the cheek and letting her know I loved her, I left the hospital not knowing it would be the last time I would see her. My grandmother passed away at 1am the following morning.
My grandfather took the loss very hard for he sunk into a depression which he continuously fed with alcohol. Reality failed to sink in for him until he underwent an accident during a drunken daze and required hospitalization.
By the time my grandfather passed, I was never able to properly deal with his passing for I was on vacation at the time. Spending the day in Monte Carlo, I was alerted of his passing through an eMail sent by my father. The eMail read:
Hope you are having fun on your trip.
Kyle, Papa passed away peacefully in his sleep at 10:00 this morning.
Sorry Sun, I Love You!!
Little did I know that a message containing only two sentences could hurt me as much as it did. Looking at my phone, I felt as if I was stabbed repeatedly in the back for being thousands of miles away, there was nothing I could do. It was the fact that my father sent such a simple message telling me of this that made the blow much more painful. I have never had a close relationship with my father, so in terms of the message I would expect nothing less, but how can you alert someone of a death between “have fun on your trip”, and “Sorry sun”?
I tried very hard not to dwell on this, but I am feeling empty. Maybe it is because of the fact I lost one of the people in my life who I could talk to about anything, or maybe that I am stuck within a continuous wave of anguish. Whatever the reason may be, all I know is that I miss my grandparents and not having them with me is quite difficult to bear. The great function about memories, is that they allow people in your life to live on forever.