Left to live for.

With my back against the bathroom door, I am left wondering: Does love really  find us, or do we have to put ourselves out there in search of it?

As I sit in my state of disorder, I atempt to find a small bit of happiness somewhere in all this madness. With the deep auburn colour fading from my hair, the front that I have put up fades as well.

I am really alone. There is not really any other way to put it. I am phased with the idea of if Hamlet really feels for me, or if these moments we share are just another ploy to string me along.

The rain falling heavily outside the window, I stare out the droplets of water that fall along the glass.

I am stuck obsessing over Hamlet. I know and understand the connection we have, and the feelings that are continuously growing, but I am truly scared of it all. I am scared that I will once again be hurt by someone dear to me. I am scared that I will once again fall back into the blackness and not be able to be saved. Wearing Witt’s Star Wars t-shirt, I look at my reflection. Same hair style, same eyes, same scars, and same bony frame. I am still the man I see in the mirror, yet inside I do not feel the same.

With this year coming to an end, I look back at the changes that have occurred in my life. I am not the same person I was those nine months ago. I have evolved into someone I never thought I could be. The mistakes I have made over the past year were very monumental in my life for without the mistakes I made, and the encounters I had, I would not have moved forward on the journey of my life. I would have remained the timid and meek boy looking for something out there in the big city.

I am stuck wondering if this is even worth it. I am stuck hoping that some miracle will occur and I will be euphoric over life, or the decisions I have made. Our life decisions do not need to be approved by others, they simply need to be approved by ourselves. We need to all be content with the decisions made, and the way we are living, or else we are stuck living in a dissatisfied world.

Standing up from my bathroom floor, I feel as if I am ready to pick myself up and find out what there is to live for, and what else is out there for me.

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