Sitting in a crowded lecture watching the click tick down the hour. One hour almost done, another to go. Usually during these long lectures I do the usual, I raid social media, or I doodle all over my arm. Currently listening to the limitations of the Civil Rights movement, I sit in my Sex class (Sex in the American City), and listen to the professor describe the discriminatory society of the 1960s.
As I am now on my second coffee, my head begins to real. I have gone two days without medication. Difficult? yes. Last night I experienced the pain that comes from withdrawal from my anti-anxiety medication. Heavy chest, rapidly beating heart, inability to breathe. I would not recommend a withdrawal based anxiety attack.
Over the past night I have been dealing with the repercussions of a drunken halloween night. Over the past few weeks, I have begun rekindling a friendship with “Him”. Yes, I am in a relationship with Americano, and nothing will get in the way of that. Unfortunately with alcohol filling my veins, I began to speak of the past. I began thinking about last years Halloween with “Him”. I spoke about how much I liked him, and the admiration I felt for him at the time. For all those wondering, yes Him and I have become friends once again, and I can honestly say that I am really happy that we were able to move past all the stupid shit we went through, and move on to being friends. With that said speaking of someone from the past to someone you love in such a manner can severely hurt the person you are dating. If Americano did not alert me to this, I honestly would not have known. He told me how hurt he was, and I have honestly never felt so undeniably apologetic.
How is it that one small slip of the tongue could cause such pain? You all know I am well over the pain from the “Him” situation, and have definitely moved on. It is rather upsetting that in a moment of an alcoholic fused fit, I would remotely bring this up.
Words can be daggers. What you say can violently stab someone you love. The blood from the words acts as the repercussions that come from these laced letters. Nothing that is said can be forgotten. You can always be forgiven, but that does not mean that the situation will ever be forgotten in the mind of the harmed. Apologies can fix the mental damage, but a bandaid will not fix the wounds caused by these poisonous words.
Some people believe that an apology is all it takes for forgiveness, is this true? Do you forgive and forget, or “forgive” and resent?
After sending a mini novel to Americano of my true intentions and how I feel, I am glad that we were able to move forward from this mistake.
What I aim to point out is that you can always receive forgiveness, but you cannot immediately heal the wounds that your words have caused. Healing takes time, and mending a relationship afflicted by a mistake could take a lifetime.
Taking a sip of my dark roast, I listen once more to the tragic lives of prostitutes in the early ages.
Excuse me as I look back down on my phone, aimlessly scroll through instagram.
(If you want to follow my instagram life, look up @kyemack and see my life in photos).