As I looked out onto the misty skyline, I try to clear my mind…to find some sort of ‘mental solace’. The mist covers the trees and the skyscrapers that build up the city line until they are fully out of sight. The hazy fog of autumn humidity wraps around me, leaving a trail of sweat on my brow. The Dawson’s Creek theme song begins playing in my head. It always seems that when I try to find some sort of serenity, my mind becomes filled with the most random of thoughts: When to do my laundry, what to eat for dinner, and in this case a catchy theme song. “I don’t want to wait, for my life to be over”.
Is this a message in disguise, or is this a sign that I need to take a break from binge-watching television?
It is now October 2nd. I begin thinking about just how quickly a month can pass. Seated on the top step of the fire escape, Alicia climbs the remaining stairs and sits on my lap. For such a fat cat, she sure engages in a lot of physical exertion. With Alicia purring in my lap, I begin to pet her fat head. We are faced with many grand decisions in life, some good and some bad. While we may face hardships and situations that do not necessarily work out in our favor, does that mean we should regret them?
We are a society of masochists; Finding solace in pain and living as if addicted to the struggle. Millennials find themselves housing many addictions: Addicted to coffee, addicted to cigarettes, addicted to pop-culture, and in my case…addicted to purchasing overpriced footwear.
Cars pass by on the street below. Alicia sits up from my lap and begins to walk down the fire escape.
As another month passes by, the main advice I have been given is to “fake it”. With a smile on my face and a new outfit in tote, I am told to endure my day to day doings with a fresh and positive outlook. We live in a society where we have faked our age, hair colour, and designers, but when did faking happiness become a trend? While it is possible to fake happiness, think about what happens when a brunette fakes being blonde, roots eventually begin to show.
There comes a time when the coffee turns cold and the chilled sip of caffeine does not excite the veins, and the hours when the bitterness of espresso falls short onto your palette. My apologies for the coffee references, but I am a deprived on the caffeine front. Ever since my doctor was alerted to my six cups a day binge, she suggested that I try decaf. It was then that I began searching for a new doctor.
After a day of yoga and exercise, Nat and I met up to talk over our relationship. We had been going through a rocky patch, and it was time for us to discuss what had happened. After listening to one another talk, I realized something that I had not experienced in a while, The beauty of unhindered honesty. I have always been an advocate for listening to both sides of a story before making a conclusion, but unfortunately in this case I had not taken my own advice. I was looking at our whole situation in such a one-sided mindset, that now I am finally able to see the story as a whole. It was enlightening to hear her speak her mind and to have both of our feelings placed on the table. Maybe this is the key to a successful relationship, raw honesty.
I found myself slipping into the ‘place’ for the umpteenth time this month.
Stuck in the mind looking for answers to the problems I mentally created. After a series of failures and war wounds, when do we realize if it was all worth it? if it was worth the pain and agony in search for that one moment of bliss? I think back to the days when I was not buried by memories and the baggage of the past. Is it possible to move forward without looking back, or are we stuck with both a kink in our neck and a pain in our hearts.
As I sit up from my spot on the escape, I begin to walk down the stairs. As I bound down each flight, I think about the answer to moving ahead: Look forward and keep walking, and do not divert your gaze. While you may be aiming to move forward, do not let your pride prevent you from looking back and giving it all a second chance.