Bitter Coffee & Band-Aids

It is official, a new season has begun. As the leaves have begun to fall, I have broken out my winter coat; a season shift cannot be avoided. I am addicted to the city at night, lights illuminating the street and people filling the sidewalks. The sound of twelve hundred dollar heels click and clack on the pavement as Torontonians walk down Avenue road.

Unlocking my phone and looking at my banking app, I acknowledge the barren void that is my chequing account. I tried to live by the mantra:

“I like my money where I can see it, in my closet”.

This once was a fantastic way to live life, but how am I to follow this mantra when I have bills to pay? Walking passed Burberry, Chanel, and Hermes, I glance in the store windows filling my disgusting hedonistic pastime. While I may call it a hedonistic pastime, when upset, shopping provides me with a sense of fullfillment…or temporary happiness. Like a hug from a kitten, except you can wear it. Probably not the best example.IMG_4492.JPG

When having money problems, we are often told to reevaluate our lifestyles and to cut out unnecessary expenses. In theory, this sounds like it would be a very simple feat but how am I, the spender, supposed to know what is deemed unnecessary?

Fighting my writers block and my will to spend, I head to 889 Yoga to achieve some sense of relaxation.

Stretching into samsara, I attempt to find serenity through warrior 2.

While I may be stretched and limber, my mind cannot help but continue wandering elsewhere. Downward dog, my eyes dart to the back of the room. Cobra, my eyes meet with my instructor. So passionately involved within the practice, that you cannot help but be transfixed with him and every position he takes.

No. I cannot be lusting over a yoga instructor in my attempt to block out my lust for material belongings.

While walking out of the studio, the edge of the door glides over my right heel. Slicing the skin, letting the blood flow out onto the hardwood floor. Through a series of profanities, and I must let you now that nothing was held back,  I made an unnecessary scene in the usual serene studio. Attempting to keep the blood from the floor, I wobble into the bathroom to grab a band-aid. When physically injured, we use a sticky elastic covering to shield the injury.

I find that when you feel the strongest, it is then that you end up being hit the hardest. When the mind is so focussed on strength, an oncoming attack is often unseen. I find myself thinking about failure and the act of hitting rock bottom. There is a saying that describes how we cannot go lower than rock bottom, but I must disagree with this. Maybe this is just a metaphor used to instill hope into the non-believers, but it is entirely possible to fall lower than where you hoped to be.

With limbs outstretched, mouth open, my chest  falls and rises with every coming breath of air.

I find that in order to actively learn, we need to be broken a thousand times before we can  be rebuilt; built up from the failures and reconstructed from the struggles that plague the mind and body.

Finishing the class, I pull on my coat and grab a coffee. Taking a sip, I find it is the burnt coffee and chilly night that has sparked my inspiration.

Are we wrong? Falling for those who we can never love, and betraying those who give unconditionally. Giving into the pressures associated with life, and holding on to the hope of tomorrow? By opposing such hierarchies of need, have we ignored what has been in front of us all this time? A feeling of value….a feeling of happiness.

As I walk down the street, I note the diverging glances of pedestrians. I like to think of myself as a human Venn diagram; a paradox stuck in the centre of the past ready-ing my mind for the future. While I have often spoke of a sense of purgatory, this centre point is not by any means a feeling of affliction. This centre is a point of oneness; Amends to the past have been made and you are subsequently seeking the bridge to your future.

This conceptualized idea of the Venn diagram can be applied to all aspects of living: Lifestyle, Career, Relationships, and even Mental correspondence. The Venn diagram is an image of the modern millennial, intertwined with the past yet desperately seeking a future.

Reconciled with our past, and the history of our priors, we are ready to take on life ahead.

Do I believe that we are permanently stuck in the centre point? No. We have the ability to bypass the middle point and move forward into whatever futures we create. It is difficult to see outside of the middle fixture, the middle point in time where we are at a balance. While there is nothing wrong with being stuck in the centre point, there is a problem in the sense of comfort felt when one becomes too familiar. The purpose of the Venn diagram is to illustrate the process of learning, the process of human growth. Without the need for a risk, or even the willpower to make grandeur decisions, we are deprived of the ability to move forward.

No matter where I end up, or where I am within the Venn diagram, I will need something to compliment the pain…to shield the hardships and to break out of the norm.

With bitter coffee and band-aids; I cover what I can, and continue on my way.


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