Walking Forward & Not Looking Back.

Snow flurries hugged my coat as I walk down Yonge street. The heel of my boots clicks the concrete with each step I take. The temperature has dropped and I have pulled out my fur coat. As my walk turns to a brisk jog, the fur of my coat hangs behind me as I run to escape the cold. Taking the steps by two, I reach the door of my new house. Putting the key in the lock and shutting the door behind me, I take a few deep breaths and walk down the foyer. Exhausted from the week ahead, I make aim for the television and turn on Law & Order SVU.

IMG_7383.JPGWith each case, panels of jury members review the evidence and make a ruling. Grabbing a wine glass, I begin to pour some 76’ merlot. Pulling a blanket over my feet, I become absorbed into the cases of others.

Jury Duty is based off idealized interpretations of the truth. A group of “unbiased” individuals fill a room and make judgements based on the evidence that is presented by the prosecutors. Think about any legal television show…even something as simple as Judge Judy, the evidence is presented and the fate of the defendant is left in the hands of the jury and the presented case. Jury duty, waiting around and attempting to feel useful; this is the exactly epitome of what it is like to be in the early stages of a relationship – Waiting around until you are called upon.

Is romance like jury duty? Waiting around for a grand ruling, the ultimate fate is held in the hands of unbiased opinion – The epitome of what it is like to be in the early stages of a relationship.

Clearly I am watching way too much legal television.

____________________________________________

As a child, I remember the struggles of piecing together a jigsaw puzzle. The failed attempts as the pieces did not seem to fit correctly. If you were like me, an impatient brat with the attention span of a fruit fly, you would have tried to squeeze the pieces together in hopes that they will eventually fit. As basic physics would have it, they never fit. I find that this act of ‘squeezing together the wrong pieces’ occurs in relationships. In the early stages of a relationship, we make sacrifices in a hope that the pieces we are looking to fit will eventfully fall into place.

IMG_7686.JPGIn every relationship I had undergone, I felt as if I had lost pieces of myself.  With every heartbreak, I craved the parts that I had left behind. I yearned for the familiarity of the past and I felt my grip begin to loosen. As time passed, and the relationships soon faded into the abyss, I no longer needed these pieces that I so desperately desired.  I had been searching for pieces that I no longer, and grew away from what I
had left behind.

Glasses fogged over by the sudden gust of hot air that rose through the open door. Removing my glasses, I began wiping the lenses. Putting my glasses back on, two familiar faces were walking straight ahead.

I had two options, I could turn around and bolt, or I could keep walking.

I felt hunted, deer in headlights, lamb to the slaughter, so vulnerable and susceptible to attack.

Less than one hundred metres away.

“We walked by like strangers on the street” I smiled and watched as the eyes shifted to the ground. Was I brave enough to smile at the one scenario that frightened me? Yes. I looked my fear in the eyes and by acknowledgement, I continued on.IMG_7636.JPG

I thought of this moment quite often. In my deepest fears I was petrified of facing the moment where my past reunited with my present, and I was forced to deal with what occurred. In my head I thought of this soul destroying moment where we meet once more, and all the pent-up emotions of the past are released. The re-opening of pandoras box into a place where none of us want to be.

As eyes diverged and I continued walking, I walked away from my past. Five months later and the chapter has come to an end, the bitter remnants of his taste have left my mouth, and I am finally able to breath. I thought deeply about it: I could put all of my emotions into wholeheartedly caring about the situation, or I could forget it. I could let the future take hold or I could just let it be. Anger and sadness is caused by the initial shock value…but as the minutes pass, the situation seems to be tamer than expected. I held my shoulders high and continued walking. I was able to keep going, continuing walking and sustain my own place

Never look back, no matter what happens remember that you are stronger than they could ever be.

I wanted to forget the past, but now I am hoping that I will always remember. I hope that I will remember the pain and heartache, and I pray that I remember the struggle. I have learned and grown from all that has happened, and without these choices, I would not be where I am today, in a place of acceptance…in a place of peace.

As the trees died and the last leaf fell, so did my love for Americano. With a smile on my face, I hugged my coat closer to my chest; I felt strong enough to continue walking and I was strong enough to not look back.

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