Today I began reminiscing on a dinner I had with a seventy-something year old woman a few days ago. This woman was the high school attendance lady at my old school. With Lilly and Sam by my side, we sat down in a booth at a nearby restaurant and caught up with her.
After recapping our lives to one another, we began talking about life.
She lost her daughter this past year and when mentioned, the feelings began to well up inside her.
She spoke about how we need to live each of our days without regrets, and how we can do absolutely anything we set our mind to. Thinking about her attitude towards life, I began to realize how much I take for granted. Sure, I am depressed, I’ve been suicidal, I’ve had many heartbreaks, but that does not define me.
In all truth, I am not necessarily an ambassador for “loving life, for I am in positively no place to even tell others how to live their own lives. I have never been shy on discussing my past/present experiences with depression and suicidal tendencies, and I take pride in the fact that you all are able to learn from my mistakes. It was not until recently that I decided what I am searching for in my life: it is not love, it is not a career, and it is not money…it is happiness (…being said, all those other aspects would not hurt either).
I am now in search of some sort of happiness in my life. How do I find it? good question. Today I was speaking with Sam about relationships, and how in order to have a successful relationship your partner must accept your past and present. I think that no matter what was done in your past, the main point is that your future consists of growing from your previous experiences. Everything you do in your life is an experience, but what you do with those experiences is up to you.
I think about how happy my grandparents were when they were alive. They found each other in the darkest of times, and had one another to lean on when they were down. Their love was so strong that it could have only been broken by death. The thing about there love was that death did not break the bond, but it simple broke the person that held the love. After the passing of my grandmother, my grandfather gave up and let life slip away.
I think that in life we need to find that one thing that brings us happiness. For my grandparents it was each other, for others their own versions might be different. The point of it all is that once you find it, you should never let it go.
It was not until earlier today that I realized that the only time you see growth in yourself is when you are faced with recollections of the past. Until you are able to stand taller than what once hurt you, you know that you have moved on to better things.
I find myself giving up and retorting back to the state of emptiness in which I once felt, but it is the process of getting up and away from this void that show how you are finding your way back to the light. I think that through this depression I have grown much more confident in myself because after all, when you have nothing to lose, life presents itself with no inhibitions.
In order to find yourself, lose yourself to find what you are looking for.